When I get to a place where my heart won’t accept what my head understands, I write. Not too long ago I walked into a room not knowing you were out there in the world, when I walked into that room had a very clear understanding of the person I was looking to share my life with. I had, at least in theory, been brought to a place where I had a life that was worth sharing. I had free time to give, an open heart to love with, a desire for adventure, the willingness to work through the trials that befall any relationship, and a softness which made me long for nights alone wrapped in blankets with her. I was secure with myself, happy alone, yet I wanted to share my time with someone who understood that the world is a scary place and it is a little less scary when there is someone to hold your hand. I was looking for a girl who loved to travel, who was independent enough to not need me for anything, but also had a life she wanted to share with someone else, she would be happy traveling with me, but would understand that sometimes my backpack and I would need to seek new places alone to find myself…I also knew that she would need the same thing.
I wasn’t expecting to find you…an astronomical series of coincidences lead to a chance encounter with a girl that so closely resembled the girl I was looking for that it seemed almost too good to be true. Suddenly my world, stable, comfortable, and happy was turned upside down…my eyes sparkled in disbelief. As the conversations waned on into the night, we would explore each other, we talked about the hard things, the things that mattered, we didn’t shy away, we didn’t run. Neither of us had been prepared for meeting the other, having long since resigned to the idea that there really wasn’t a person out there who may align so well with what they were looking for…
That was the part my heart understood, I was falling for a girl who seemed too good to be true, as if she had been lifted from the pages of my favorite book, you came into my life like a storm, emotions swirled, and thoughts ran.
It took some time for my mind to catch up to what my heart was experiencing, I believe from our conversations that you have experienced something similar. It has left us both in some state of confusion, not knowing what we want. I have believed from the beginning that it is unforgivable to stand in the way of someone’s dreams and aspirations for life. Perhaps your dream to live in Maui was born because you had given up hope on ever finding a guy who was what you were looking for. Perhaps you are in turmoil because somewhere deep inside you had a dream to find a guy you could share your life with, and when you couldn’t find him, you crafted another dream which you knew would bring you an equal amount of joy. And now, months from realizing one dream, you stand at an intersection of two dreams which have both been significant to you and you are confused, and scared. I don’t mean to put words in your mouth and thoughts in your head, maybe it isn’t my place to understand.
I believe that our paths crossed for a reason, the universe wanted us to meet. In a flurry of long talks perhaps I lost track of the reason we were meant to meet each other. Maybe in my desire to find the person I could share my life with, I missed some things along the way that should have told me what we were meant to be. Maybe I was blinded by your beauty, your intellect, or your courage, whatever the case, I am here in this place, confused, lost, and scared. I imagine you are in a similar situation. I believe amongst many other reasons two people are brought together there are three things which are often the case, they are meant to be romantic partners, they are meant to be friends, or they are meant to be a catalyst to inspire a change in someone else, or help us to better define a decision that has already been made.
I have selfishly asked you to blindly trust a person you just met, I have rushed you into a relationship which at this point should be fun, exciting, and adventurous…we should be taking time to get to know each other, we should be taking long walks, talking in the middle of the night about our days, laughing with each other over dinner, getting to know about each other’s families, our friends, our dreams and aspirations. We should be slowly building trust and understanding of each other. However, I have placed you in a position where the conversations are laborious, tedious talks of next year, of our fears, and none of that is fair to you. I’m sorry.
Credit is given to the both of us for showing up to these hard talks, for not running away, most anyone else I know or have ever known would have. While you are scared and your insecurities are are building, I can’t help but think that your willingness to participate in these conversations and your fears being what they are mean that I matter to you, that this matters to you. Maybe you wish that it didn’t…I understand that dilemma.
You have told me that you believe there are compatibility issues which stand between us and a future together, and I think that you may be right, but I don’t know that for certain. It’s my belief that we haven’t given ourselves an opportunity to get to know each other, to watch how each other lives their lives, to really know if that is the person we want to share our lives with. The merging of two highly independent lives can be difficult, when two people come together there is an embracing of one another’s lives coupled with a letting go of some small parts of ourselves to make room for the other. This is a process which takes time, they are small meaningful sacrifices which say to the other person, you are important to me, you are more important than this thing in my life. That takes time, time we haven’t had. Time we both deserve to take.
I don’t know where the roads will lead us, I know that you are an wonderful girl, a once in a lifetime girl, a girl who I didn’t know actually existed…but in my haste to not lose you, I’m afraid I have harmed you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to have the conversations that would have prevented you from being hurt these last couple of days.
I would like to continue to get to know you, maybe that means that we take a couple of steps back, that we take time to really talk, to have long walks that end at your door instead of your bed. That I tell you goodnight and go home, that we don’t shut the door on the possibility of a romantic relationship, but we keep the door open for the fact that we might be better off as friends, perhaps travel partners, perhaps our time together was meant to show us both something we will have already learned and won’t fully understand until we look at it in hindsight. Whatever the case may be, I want to give this the time it deserves, I want to give you the time you deserve.
-Anonymous