Minutes creep by and slowly turn into hours, which crawl towards new days. I start to write to you and I stop myself, I heard you when you said stop. And so it is, I either turn to your facebook page to confirm that we are in fact still friends, the last connection we share…or I go back and I read our texts, I scroll past the ugly parts, the hurtful parts, and I look for the parts that didn’t sting. Those parts are not so easy to find.
I ask myself, how did you get it so wrong? I am usually an incredible judge of character, I am usually intuitive enough to understand who I am opening myself up to, being cautious to not become vulnerable to the wrong people. Yet here I am, in this place where you are still my first and last thought of everyday, and I don’t want this…I don’t want you to have that…I want to take it back from you…and I can’t.
You think I want to sound, look, or act crazy, you think I want to be irrational??? Saying one thing and a minute later saying another? NO…With every part of me I can muster, NO…I want nothing to do with how I feel, I hate it. Yet there it is…
Somewhere, maybe at the beginning, maybe in the middle, something happened to my heart which I simply cannot explain. I know you don’t want it, you want me to go away, and I will. But here I am wishing that I could just tell you how it feels to watch tears fall from my eyes because the woman I want to share that with wants nothing to do with me.
I’ve done all I can to not call you, text you, say something at all that can make you respond in anyway…I’m doing my best to try to let go, to walk away…but I need you to know in this way that you will never know because these letters are private…you fucked up my heart and left it here bleeding. And I so badly want you to hold me…to tell me it’s going to be ok…to tell me that it wasn’t me, that you are scared, that you have trouble letting people in because it makes you insecure…whatever you have to say or do to make it not hurt, because right now it just hurts…badly…
-Anonymous