Sometimes I find myself trembling and I don’t know why. The words that I write seem to echo off the walls of these empty places in my heart like the sounds of a great cavern. There are days when I am nothing more than lost. I wish desperately that I could use these words to tell you how I felt, that they were not just thoughts which haunted me in those moments before sleep, in those times when the sun is not quite up yet but I have been stirred from my bed with the thoughts of you laying next to me.
I have done my best to let you know I am here, to give you the security of knowing that I love you, that I have and will continue to care for you in this most intimate way, but in return I have received your best effort to be friends. You have been clear in your thoughts, your words in your actions, you have said what you needed to say, done what you needed to do…there are those few and fleeting moments when the last of your feelings drip through and I cling to them as if they were a lifeline slowly keeping me from drowning.
You are, it seems, moving on, reconfirming the life you have chosen. I am unsure where, if at all I fit into that. I don’t know how to stop loving you, and I wonder if you know how to stop loving me. Perhaps you already have, though I say that with considerable doubt. When I look into your eyes, in those moments when you are vulnerable and softened, I can see the feelings deep within and they match mine and it is lovely. But they seem to fade in uncertainty.
I wish there was safety somewhere, that my heart could be secure…but it’s as if it stands on the precipice of a great cliff, at any moment it could be hurled into the raging sea below. I want to have a relationship with you that is open, one in which I can tell you how I feel without the risk of losing what we have or changing what might be. I need that from us.
I need to be able to tell you that when you like his I love you, it means something to me, it means something to him, and it means something to you. No less than when I tell you that and you save it. It’s as though you want to be loved, perhaps by both of us, as we both provide for you the complete package you need to have a life that you dream of. He provides security, a place to live, a life for your children, a future. I provide for your emotional needs in a way he simply cannot, together we offer you exactly what you need, but it cannot stretch on like this forever, there has to be a sacrifice of one of these needs to try to fulfill the rest with another person, one person.
And so there we were with your hand in mine, you are leaving soon to go away, a trip you never would have taken, a time we would have had together, we planned to go to someplace special that weekend, our time to love one another, to finally sleep in each other’s arms again…I cannot tell you that it doesn’t hurt, it hurts, it hurts like hell…and yet you want me to go on loving you? It’s as if you will go on with your life, the comforts of home, the family, the security and I am left with what? A dream that someday this will be my time? I can only hope that someday it will be my time, that despite the struggle and the pain, that you look deep in my eyes and you know that what we have is something no one else does, and it’s special…protect it!
-Anonymous