She still believes in fairytales, magic is her favorite color. She’s willing to fight for a kind of love that most have abandoned in their lives, dismissed as a fallacy of their youth. She is haunted by the words of days gone by, the memories of those things she wishes she could have preserved. Don’t let the flame of your love expire, don’t silence the torrents inside…Everything, every moment, every tear, every laugh, every heartache has prepared you for the love that you will find, a love that will be boundless, lasting, eternal…you will try to find meaning by comparing it to what you know or have known, but this will be something different, it will be your last love not your first.
Love for me is a lot like a mountain stream, deep in the winter, the trickle of water flows beneath a sheet of ice and a blanket of snow. As the first rays of the spring sun begin to gently lap the hillsides, the snow which once guarded and protected begins to drain from the heights, the water begins to slowly murmur as it gathers. And there in the full light of the canyon the small stream turns into a raging current, within it, all the power to create and destroy, to nourish the weak, to feed the hungry.
I am lost, I have been desperate for clarity and peace of mind, but alas I am abound with lack of quietness in my heart. My soul is on fire, I haven’t been stirred to this level of excitement in as long as I can remember…it is scary for me!
When you told me you still believe in fairytales, I looked high up on the hill, out to the point and thought to myself…there, if we cannot leave, that is where will find our home and we’ll fill it with love and laughter, with kindness and compassion, we will watch as the children grow. We could build a life here, with a spark it could become a fire…I feel crazy.
I could run, I likely should, in the search for clarity today, the most pure thought which came to me was distance yourself from the source of your uneasiness, find a place without and then see if you can find peace…if your answers remain the same, then your motives are clear.
I don’t know when I started writing, sometime years ago I sat down as a child and I began to pen my thoughts in some effort to make sense of the things in my head. A couple of days you said something that stood out to me, you said…if someone would just tell me this would provide the most security, love, and happiness…I would do it. I so desperately want to tell you that. I want to look you in the eyes, take you by the hands and tell you that I will, I will make a commitment to that, promises to keep you safe and happy. All I would ask is that you try to do the same in return.
I think that despite the fact that you want to be capable of that, it eludes you and much the same way you want to give that away, you fear that you won’t be able to and you will hurt whomever is on the other end of that. I can’t promise to always get it right. I think we are both looking for the same thing, someone to walk through the world with, with deep love in their hearts, with joy in their soul. I wasn’t prepared to meet you, and I just can’t seem to figure out what to do with myself now.
I get the feeling that people fall in love with you all the time…I get it, I understand why…but someday I want to understand how that makes you feel. I want to know you…all of you, the parts you have to try to hide, the parts you want others to see, I want to know what the front and the back of the canvas look like!